Ullu

Me: Ram Ram Mr. X!

Mr. X: Yo man! Ram Ram!

Me: Yeh har baar kuch naya seekh kar kahan se aate ho?

Mr. X: Dude. This is how bros talk to each other man.

Me: Accha ji. Mujhe nahi pata tha…yeh batao Gullu kaisa hain?

Mr. X: Gullu? You mean Pullu?

Me: Arre nahi nahi…Pullu to Couch Sahib ke ladke ka naam hain. Who Gullu…Lazy Sahib ka beta…

Mr. X: Accha! Ullu, you mean!

Me: Oh haan sorry Mr. X! Galti se Gullu bol diya…

Mr. X: Hey man! Bros don’t apologize…

Me: Ab yeh kisne bataya?

Mr. X: Of course Ullu! He is a total dude…

Me: Mr. X! Sab se accent jhaad kar baat kar lena…mujh se to theek se baat kar lo…aadha time to samajh hi nahi aata ki aap angrezi mein kya kya bol jaate ho…upar se angrezon wali accent…yeh bhi Ullu ne sikhaya?

Mr. X: (taking his goggles off) Haan yaar. Ullu sahi hain bhai. Banda ne yeh goggles lakar diya hain. Kehta hain ki main ekdam stud lagta hoon goggles pahan kar.

Me: Bhai aapko to usne 4 din mein poora hi badal diya…aapke khyaalaat (thoughts) to nahi badle hain na?

Mr. X: Nahi bhai! Hum bhes (disguise/appearance) badal lete hain, lekin khyaal aur vichaar humare koi nahi badal sakta.

Me: Accha ji Mr. X, yeh bataiye ki Ullu ka naam Ullu kaisa pada?

Mr. X: Arre yahi humare Lazy Sahib…jab Ullu ka naam rakhne ki bari (turn) aayi, kisi ne Gullu suggest kiya. Misses (Mrs. Lazy Sahib) ko to bada pasand aaya naam lekin sahitya (literature) premi Lazy Sahib…unhe to kuch naya chahiye tha…ek hafta sochte rahe lekin koi naam nahi samajh aaya. Ab samaaj mein kya muh (face) dikayein? Kijab logon ne naam suggest kiya to tevar (attitude) dikha kar mana kar diya ki naam accha nahi hain aur khud koi naam nahi dhoond paye? Bas to phir kyat tha…G gayab kar diya naam se! Aur ban gaya Ullu!

Samaaj walon ne objection kiya to justify kar diya ki school aur college mein viva dene ke time par Ullu ka naam end mein aayega and examiner thak (tired) jayega, isliye Ullu ko acche marks mil jayenge! Ab aise logic par samaaj wale bhi kya bolenge? Suna hain Misses Lazy Sahib teen din tak khana nahi khayi thi jab Ullu naam rakha gaya tha.

Me: Wah bhai wah! Kya baat hain Lazy Sahib!

Mr. X: To yeh kahani hain Ullu ke naam ki…

Me: Aur humare Ullu bhaijaan karte kya hain?

Mr. X: Arre! Bataya tha na…B.Tech first year mein hain Ullu. B.Tech CS kar raha hain.

Me: Kuch batao bhai ke baare mein?

Mr. X: Ek samay tha…Ullu poore society ka sabse shareef ladka hua karta tha. Subah savere half pant and faded t shirt pahan kar doodh aur ande laane jaata tha. Patla duble (lean and thin) lamba ladka, aas paas ke bacche kabhi kabhi Mazak bhi udate the. Upar se chashma laga hua tha. Saara din padhai karta tha. IIT ki preparation kar raha tha. Subah 5 baje uthata tha. Din bhar school mein padhta tha. Shaam ko coaching. “Nonsense Tutorials” join kiya tha!

Me: Nonsense Tutorials! Bhai woh to solid preparation karate hain. Ho gaya selection IIT mein?

Mr. X: Na bhai. All India Rank to itni shaandaar aayi Ullu bhai ki ki result banana wale sharma gaye honge. Rote rote (crying) “Awara College of Engineering and Technology” mein admission karaya.

Me: Oh! ACET mein padhte hain Ullu bhai! Bahut fees hain wahan ki to?

Mr. X: Ab kya karein bechare Lazy Sahib. Dena to padega hi. Jab Ullu ghar se gaya tha toh waise hi lallu types gaya tha. Wahan jaa kar jo kaya palat (transformation) hua na, Lazy Sahib ne pehchaanne se mana kar diya tha jab station par mila tha toh.

Me: Aisa kya hua?

Mr. X: College jaane ke ek mahine ke andar, saare purane kapde gayab ho gaye. Sahab-jaade Levis and Chuna ki t shirt pehanne lage…

Me: Chuna? Yeh kaun si brand hain?

Mr. X: Arre suna nahi hain? Who kuch tendua types jaanwar hain logo mein…

Me: Puma!

Mr. X: Oh haan…sorry! Chuna nahi Puma…

Me: Ha ha!

Mr. X: Oye! Hans mat.

Me: Sorry Mr. X! Aap aage to sunao?

Mr. X: Uske baad joote bhi badal gaye. Reebok ke joote, ray ban ka goggles. Hairstyle change kara li. Woh kya kehte hain? Spice kara liya?

Me: Spikes?

Mr. X: Haan! Yaar pata nahi aaj sab ulta pulta keh raha hoon!

Me: Koi baat nahi Mr. X. Aap aage ki kahani sunao

Mr. X: Spike hairstyle. Set wet ka gel. Axe ka deo. Levis ki low waist jeans. College ke star ban gaye Ullu sahib. Jo ladka half pant mein ghoomta tha, woh ab unko “shorts” kehne laga. College mein sabko doooood keh kar bulana laga. Mujhe bhi sikhaya usne. Keh raha tha ki alag alag level tak dude ko kheechne (stretch) se alag alag matlab nikalta hain.

Me: Aisa bhi hota hain?

Mr. X: Arre aur bahut kuch sikhaya hain Ullu ne. Kabhi “yes” nahi bolna chahiye. Yo, yup, yep, ya aisa kuch bolna chahiye. Yes no to woh bolte hain jinhe angrezi dhang se nahi aati. Waise hi no ki jagah nope and nopes bolte hain.

Me: Yeh to kul kaya palat ho gayi Mr. X!

Mr. X: Ab to cigarette bhi peeta hain Ullu. Lazy Sahib ko pata nahi hain. Bhai us din Ullu ke saath gaya tha…bhai kya dhuan (smoke) choda tha…expert ho gaya hain ekdam…keh raha tha ki wapas jaa kar kisi ko propose karne wala hain…gift dhoond raha hain uske liye koi…

Me: Propose? Matlab?

Mr. X: Arre who pikchur (movies) mein nahi dekha hain? Ladka jameen par ghutne (knee) ke bal baith waith kar kuch kuch bolta hain? Waisa kuch.

Me: Bhai mamla to sangeen hota jaa raha hain! Bade kamaal ke prani (person) hain Ullu to…hume bhi milwao kabhi?

Mr. X: Agli baar aayega to pakka. Kal to Ullu wapas jaa raha hain. Aaj poora din woh gift dhoondega.

Me: Aap bhi saath jaa hi rahe hoge?

Mr. X: Doooooood! That’s obvious. (shouting) Hey Ullu Man! Coming! (softly) yeh hain secret Ullu ke saath rehne ki…angrezi mein accent ke saath baat karo, style mein raho..tere bas ki baat nahi hain.

Me: Aapko bada angrezi ka gyaan hain Mr. X?

Mr. X: (winking) Dood bolne ki practice kar…baaki kuch words main sikha dunga Ullu se seekh kar…

Me: Dooooooooooooooood!

- Parekh, Pravesh

October 18, 2013; 01:58 AM