Ullu

Me: Ram Ram Mr. X!

Mr. X: Yo man! Ram Ram!

Me: Yeh har baar kuch naya seekh kar kahan se aate ho?

Mr. X: Dude. This is how bros talk to each other man.

Me: Accha ji. Mujhe nahi pata tha…yeh batao Gullu kaisa hain?

Mr. X: Gullu? You mean Pullu?

Me: Arre nahi nahi…Pullu to Couch Sahib ke ladke ka naam hain. Who Gullu…Lazy Sahib ka beta…

Mr. X: Accha! Ullu, you mean!

Me: Oh haan sorry Mr. X! Galti se Gullu bol diya…

Mr. X: Hey man! Bros don’t apologize…

Me: Ab yeh kisne bataya?

Mr. X: Of course Ullu! He is a total dude…

Me: Mr. X! Sab se accent jhaad kar baat kar lena…mujh se to theek se baat kar lo…aadha time to samajh hi nahi aata ki aap angrezi mein kya kya bol jaate ho…upar se angrezon wali accent…yeh bhi Ullu ne sikhaya?

Mr. X: (taking his goggles off) Haan yaar. Ullu sahi hain bhai. Banda ne yeh goggles lakar diya hain. Kehta hain ki main ekdam stud lagta hoon goggles pahan kar.

Me: Bhai aapko to usne 4 din mein poora hi badal diya…aapke khyaalaat (thoughts) to nahi badle hain na?

Mr. X: Nahi bhai! Hum bhes (disguise/appearance) badal lete hain, lekin khyaal aur vichaar humare koi nahi badal sakta.

Me: Accha ji Mr. X, yeh bataiye ki Ullu ka naam Ullu kaisa pada?

Mr. X: Arre yahi humare Lazy Sahib…jab Ullu ka naam rakhne ki bari (turn) aayi, kisi ne Gullu suggest kiya. Misses (Mrs. Lazy Sahib) ko to bada pasand aaya naam lekin sahitya (literature) premi Lazy Sahib…unhe to kuch naya chahiye tha…ek hafta sochte rahe lekin koi naam nahi samajh aaya. Ab samaaj mein kya muh (face) dikayein? Kijab logon ne naam suggest kiya to tevar (attitude) dikha kar mana kar diya ki naam accha nahi hain aur khud koi naam nahi dhoond paye? Bas to phir kyat tha…G gayab kar diya naam se! Aur ban gaya Ullu!

Samaaj walon ne objection kiya to justify kar diya ki school aur college mein viva dene ke time par Ullu ka naam end mein aayega and examiner thak (tired) jayega, isliye Ullu ko acche marks mil jayenge! Ab aise logic par samaaj wale bhi kya bolenge? Suna hain Misses Lazy Sahib teen din tak khana nahi khayi thi jab Ullu naam rakha gaya tha.

Me: Wah bhai wah! Kya baat hain Lazy Sahib!

Mr. X: To yeh kahani hain Ullu ke naam ki…

Me: Aur humare Ullu bhaijaan karte kya hain?

Mr. X: Arre! Bataya tha na…B.Tech first year mein hain Ullu. B.Tech CS kar raha hain.

Me: Kuch batao bhai ke baare mein?

Mr. X: Ek samay tha…Ullu poore society ka sabse shareef ladka hua karta tha. Subah savere half pant and faded t shirt pahan kar doodh aur ande laane jaata tha. Patla duble (lean and thin) lamba ladka, aas paas ke bacche kabhi kabhi Mazak bhi udate the. Upar se chashma laga hua tha. Saara din padhai karta tha. IIT ki preparation kar raha tha. Subah 5 baje uthata tha. Din bhar school mein padhta tha. Shaam ko coaching. “Nonsense Tutorials” join kiya tha!

Me: Nonsense Tutorials! Bhai woh to solid preparation karate hain. Ho gaya selection IIT mein?

Mr. X: Na bhai. All India Rank to itni shaandaar aayi Ullu bhai ki ki result banana wale sharma gaye honge. Rote rote (crying) “Awara College of Engineering and Technology” mein admission karaya.

Me: Oh! ACET mein padhte hain Ullu bhai! Bahut fees hain wahan ki to?

Mr. X: Ab kya karein bechare Lazy Sahib. Dena to padega hi. Jab Ullu ghar se gaya tha toh waise hi lallu types gaya tha. Wahan jaa kar jo kaya palat (transformation) hua na, Lazy Sahib ne pehchaanne se mana kar diya tha jab station par mila tha toh.

Me: Aisa kya hua?

Mr. X: College jaane ke ek mahine ke andar, saare purane kapde gayab ho gaye. Sahab-jaade Levis and Chuna ki t shirt pehanne lage…

Me: Chuna? Yeh kaun si brand hain?

Mr. X: Arre suna nahi hain? Who kuch tendua types jaanwar hain logo mein…

Me: Puma!

Mr. X: Oh haan…sorry! Chuna nahi Puma…

Me: Ha ha!

Mr. X: Oye! Hans mat.

Me: Sorry Mr. X! Aap aage to sunao?

Mr. X: Uske baad joote bhi badal gaye. Reebok ke joote, ray ban ka goggles. Hairstyle change kara li. Woh kya kehte hain? Spice kara liya?

Me: Spikes?

Mr. X: Haan! Yaar pata nahi aaj sab ulta pulta keh raha hoon!

Me: Koi baat nahi Mr. X. Aap aage ki kahani sunao

Mr. X: Spike hairstyle. Set wet ka gel. Axe ka deo. Levis ki low waist jeans. College ke star ban gaye Ullu sahib. Jo ladka half pant mein ghoomta tha, woh ab unko “shorts” kehne laga. College mein sabko doooood keh kar bulana laga. Mujhe bhi sikhaya usne. Keh raha tha ki alag alag level tak dude ko kheechne (stretch) se alag alag matlab nikalta hain.

Me: Aisa bhi hota hain?

Mr. X: Arre aur bahut kuch sikhaya hain Ullu ne. Kabhi “yes” nahi bolna chahiye. Yo, yup, yep, ya aisa kuch bolna chahiye. Yes no to woh bolte hain jinhe angrezi dhang se nahi aati. Waise hi no ki jagah nope and nopes bolte hain.

Me: Yeh to kul kaya palat ho gayi Mr. X!

Mr. X: Ab to cigarette bhi peeta hain Ullu. Lazy Sahib ko pata nahi hain. Bhai us din Ullu ke saath gaya tha…bhai kya dhuan (smoke) choda tha…expert ho gaya hain ekdam…keh raha tha ki wapas jaa kar kisi ko propose karne wala hain…gift dhoond raha hain uske liye koi…

Me: Propose? Matlab?

Mr. X: Arre who pikchur (movies) mein nahi dekha hain? Ladka jameen par ghutne (knee) ke bal baith waith kar kuch kuch bolta hain? Waisa kuch.

Me: Bhai mamla to sangeen hota jaa raha hain! Bade kamaal ke prani (person) hain Ullu to…hume bhi milwao kabhi?

Mr. X: Agli baar aayega to pakka. Kal to Ullu wapas jaa raha hain. Aaj poora din woh gift dhoondega.

Me: Aap bhi saath jaa hi rahe hoge?

Mr. X: Doooooood! That’s obvious. (shouting) Hey Ullu Man! Coming! (softly) yeh hain secret Ullu ke saath rehne ki…angrezi mein accent ke saath baat karo, style mein raho..tere bas ki baat nahi hain.

Me: Aapko bada angrezi ka gyaan hain Mr. X?

Mr. X: (winking) Dood bolne ki practice kar…baaki kuch words main sikha dunga Ullu se seekh kar…

Me: Dooooooooooooooood!

- Parekh, Pravesh

October 18, 2013; 01:58 AM

Lazy Sahib

Me: Arre! Mr. X! Bade dino baad dikh rahe ho? Kahan the?

Mr. X: Hey man! Sup? Been around…see my new gogs?

Me: Bhai, kya baat hain? Itni accent! Yeh goggles kahan se lekar aa gaye aap? Palika bazaar se liya hain kya?

Mr. X: Come on dude! Yeh Lazy Sahib ke bete ne mujhe gift kiya hain. Abhi aaj kal mein college se wapas aaya hain…Dusshehra ki holidays hain na…

Me: Lazy Sahib? Who Couch Sahib ke padosi?

Mr. X: Haan haan! Tum bol to aise rahe ho ki Lazy Sahib ko nahi jaante…

Me: Bhai memory bahut kharaab hain apni. Mujhe nahi lagta Lazy Sahib se kabhi mila hoon…

Mr. X: Hey bhagwaan! Hey bhagwaan! Ghor Kaliyug aa gaya hain! Tumne aaj tak Lazy Sahib ke darshan nahi kiye? Aisa kaise hua? Kyon hua? Zindagi ke 23 saal vyarth (waste) hain tumhare…

Me: Bhai, ab aapke charon (feet) mein hoon…aap hi bata do unke baare mein…

Mr. X: Haan to bacche suno…tum Couch Sahib ko to jaante hi ho. Lazy Sahib, Couch Sahib ke ghanisht (fast) dost hain. Kismat se dono ko plot bhi saath mein mil gaya. Lazy Sahib is a big cricket fan like Couch Sahib. Saath saath mein Sahib adhyaya (literature) ke bhi shaukin hain.

Me: (interrupting) Kya baat kar rahe ho? Sahi mein? Lazy Sahib kitabein (books) padhte hain?

Mr. X: Haan haan. Bilkul. Suna hain apne time par who bade philosopher hua karte the school ke. Aise bhavarth (feelings+meaning of a poem) likhte the ki bechari teacher ke hosh udd jaate the…

Me: Yaar apne aas paas aise log bhi rehte hain…pata nahi tha. Mujhe to laga aivehi velle honge Couch Sahib ki tarah.

Mr. X: Hain na. Bahut pahuche hue velle hain.

Me: Huh?

Mr. X: Yaar tum baar baar interrupt mat kiya karo. Shanti se meri baat suno. (returning to fake accent) You are wasting my time dude.

Me: Sorry Mr. X

Mr. X: (softening a little) Lazy Sahib literature ke shaukin the…sirf apne school tak. Uske baad woh college chale gaye. Bas phir kya tha? Lag gayi college wali aadatein. Hostel mein rehte the. First year mein to bade shareef the. Ghar se hindi and angrezi (English) ki novels utha kar le gaye the. Ghar wale to itne khush hue the ki pooch mat. Hostel mein pehle do mahine kya saaf safai se rehte the. Roommate bahut hi nalayak tha. Lekin Lazy Sahib uski kahan chalne dete the. Poore hostel mein Lazy Sahib ke room ki taarefein (praises) hua karti thi. Seniors ne bhaut ragging li Lazy Sahib ki. Lekin he was a strong man!

Do mahine tak to sab badhiya tha. Raat mein 10:30 baje tak so jaate the Lazy Sahib and subh 4:30 baje up and ready! Subah subah bhagwaan ki pooja karte the. Agarbatti (incense sticks) jalate the. Roz subah college jaane se pehle Hanuman chalisa padhte the. Har hafte (every week) upvass (fast) bhi rakhte the. Raat mein dinner 7:30 ya 8 baje tak kar lete the. Uske baad do ghante padhai and phir bache hue time Munshi Premchand ya Alistair MacLean ki books padhte the.

Me: Phir kya hua?

Mr. X: Phir kya? Ek din unhe keeda lag gaya…

Me: Keeda?

Mr. X: Ab aas paas itni aalsi (lazy) kaamchor log rahenge to aadatein (habits) to kharab hongi hi. Ek weekend seniors inko lekar ghoomne chale gaye. Lazy Sahib ne pata nahi kya soch kar haan bol di. Do din (two days) baad jab wapas aaye to bechare thake hue the. Do din ke gande kapde (dirty clothes) dhone the. Padhai karni thi. Neend bhi aa rahi thi. Agle din test the. Bahut kuch karna tha. Isliye Sahib so gaye (slept off).

Bas phir kya tha…jo hua who to hona hi tha. Sahib ka test kharab hua. Kaam due hota gaya. Padhai mein peeche hone lage. Gande kapde ka pahad lag gaya. Roommate ki tarah Lazy Sahib bhi subah der se sone lage. Roz sham dinner ke baad hansi-thatoli sabha (fun and laughter sessions) mein Lazy Sahib bhi baithne lage. Raat mein der se sone lage. Phir kya subah uthate? Agarbatti ka packet dhool (dirt) khane laga. Bhagwaan ji ki murti (statue) par dhool lag gayi. Sahib ke pyaare Munshi Premchand and Alistair MacLean table par sajawat (decoration) ke item ho gaye.

Kuch time baad ghar gaye to ghar wale shock mein chale gaye. Din din bhar aaraam farmaate the. Ghar ka koi kaam nahi karte the. School ke un awara bacchon ke saath uthna baithna ho gaya thi, jinhe ek samay Lazy Sahib door se namaskar karte the. Jab wapas college pahuche to pata chala ki exam aane wale hain. Ab Lazy Sahib ke to haath paav phool gaye (feeling very tensed). Kya karein? Kaise padhe? Kya padhein aur kya na padhein? Classes to bahut miss hui thi Lazy Sahib ki. Course tak ka ata pata (information) nahi tha.

Inhi dino kisi ne Lazy Sahib ko cigarette ki aadat laga di. Kaha concentration banega. Raat mein neend nahi aayegi. Stress kam ho jayega. Lazy Sahib bechare. Aaj tak to novels mein hi padha tha cigarettes ke baare mein. Ab try bhi kar liya. Phir kya. Lag gayi aadat. Din ke 4-5 to aivehi maar lete the. Weekend ho to 8-10. Exam ho to poori dibbi hi khatam!

Jaise taise kar ke 3 saal kate college ke. Ghar walon ne to poori umeed chod di thi ki Lazy Sahib zindagi mein kuch karenge. Lekin college se nikalte nikalte Lazy Sahib ne kuch dost bhi bana liye the. Kisi ki meharbaani kripa se job bhi lag gayi. Zindagi chalti rahi. Kuch time baad shaadi ho gayi. Ab Lazy Sahib 48 saal ke hain. Beta first year mein hain. B.Tech kar raha hain.

Me: !

Mr. X: To yeh thi Lazy Sahib ki dukh bhari daastaan (story) sankshipt (short) mein.

Me: Bhai, tujhe itna sab kaise pata?

Mr. X: Sahib ka ladka hain na…bachpan ka dost hain apna!

Me: Oh! Naam kya hain Lazy Sahib ke ladke ka? Kuch literature se inspired hoga?

Mr. X: Arre nahi…Ullu naam hain uska…

Me: Ullu…!

Mr. X: Haan…to? Naam mein kya rakha hain?

Me: To kuch batao bhai Ullu ke bhi baare mein? Introduce karao? Kahin chaltein hain chai-coffee par?

Mr. X: (shouting) Oye Ullu! Ruk! Aaya! (Wait! Coming!) Yaar…kabhi aur…abhi Ullu ke saath jaana hain. Who bike lekar aa gaya. See you dude. Take care. Gotta roll!

Me: Oh…!

- Parekh, Pravesh

October 15, 2013;

03:03 AM

Couch Sahib

Mr. X: I tell you man! India mein cricket broadcast ban kar dena chahiye!

Me: (open mouthed) What? Kuch bhi bol rahe ho yaar? Pagal ho kya?

Mr. X: (running his hands through his hair) Ekdam! Yahan ek cricket match se poori zindagi ruk jaati hain!

Me: So?

Mr. X: (shaking his head) So? You don’t understand! Tu samajhta nahi hain yaar!

Me: Accha! Okay! Go ahead bhai! Samjha apna logic!

Mr. X:

Haan to sun bhai. Bloody useless jobless people! TV par cricket match aana chahiye bas! Saara kaam chod kar match dekhne baith jaate hain. Koi kaam nahi hain bilkul zindagi mein! Jis din match hota hain, us din ghar aakar TV ke saamne baith jaate hain! Bloody couch potato!

Ghar aate hi sofe par baith jayenge. Uske baad to bas. Ek woh hain aur ek unka TV. TV nahi TB ho gaya ho! Saath hi nahi chodte ek doosre ka. Shreeman [Mr.] Couch Potato. Umra [age] 32 saal. Wajan [weight] 95 kilo! Ghar mein ek woh hain, shreemati-ji and ek ladka hain. And haan, ek 42 inches ka naya Sony TV bhi hain. Who to Couch sahib ko wife and bacchon se bhi jyada pyaara hain.

Me: Bhai, point par aa. Duniya ki bakwaas mat kar! Time nahi hain.

Mr. X: Kyon? Tujhe bhi match dekhne jaana hain kya?

Me: …!

Mr. X:

Accha koi nahi. Chal aage sun. To Couch sahib ghar aate hain and dhadaam! Sofa par baith jaate hain. Bechara sofa! Sahib ke weight ke neeche dab dab kar mara jaa raha hain. But kise chinta? Kise parwah! TV par match jo aa raha hain. Sofa ki seat papad ban gayi hain sahib ke wajan ke neeche but sahib ko kya chinta? Wife garma-garam pyaz ke pakode and chai rakh gayi hain sofa ke saamne. Shreeman lage hue hain match dekhne main and pakode par haath maarne mein. Ek plate khatam hogi to bete ko awaz lagayenge. Bechara saara kaam chod kar Couch sahib ke liye pakode lekar aayega.

Ab itne pakode khayenge to gadbad to hogi hi. Bas phir kya. Jab next day cricket team rest le rahi hogi to Shreeman Couch Sahib bhi day off le rahe honge. Boss ko phone kar ke bolenge, “Sir! Bad stomach!”. Ab bechara boss bhi kya kare? Aisi condition mein Couch sahib ko office mein rakhna bhi uchit [reasonable] nahi hain! Bas! Day off mil gaya. Ek din aur ghar par pade rahenge. And the day after? Next match! Another day off! Phir aa gaye sofa par! And akele nahi hain humare Couch sahib. Khud to velle [jobless] hain hi, aas paas ke saare vellon ko ghar le kar aa jayenge. Kuch 4-5 variety ke Couch Potatos ek saath baith kar match dekhenge!

Bas! Phir kya! Wife bechari poora din kitchen mein pakode and chai banati rahegi! Bechara sofa aur buri tarah marega. And becahare bacche ki padhai to khatam! Real time required run rate calculate karna padhai ho jaayegi uski. Over time nateja [result] kya niklega? Pakode talte talte wife ko back problem ho jayegi. Jab sofa papad ban jayega to naya sofa/seat lagani hogi. Itne pakode khayenge to Couch sahib aur bhi mote hote jayenge. Saare kapde fit nahi aayenge. Naye kapde khareedne jayenge. Readymade fit nahi aayenge. Bechare tailor ke pass jayenge. Poori family budget chaupat [ruin] ho jayega!

Phir nalayak Couch sahib kya karenge? Apne bechare bacche par kasar nikalenge! Bechare ki padhai and extra-curricular se paise bachayenge. Tution nahi jaane denge. School trip par nahi bhejenge. Books nahi khareedenge. Hobbies ko fund nahi karenge. Bacchon ko bhi couch potato bana denge. Usse pehle becharon ko counch bana denge. Unse pair [legs] dabwayenge [massaging of feets]. College jaane ke time par hungama karenge. Mahenge [expensive/pricy] college nahi jaane denge. Khaane peene par rok tok karenge. Pocket money nahi denge. Lekin poora time cricket jaroor dekhenge.

And pata hain kya? Bacche becahre ek do ghanta khelne jayenge to halla machayenge. Darayenge dhamkayenge [frighten and threaten them]. Bolenge padhai karo. Arre bacchon ko hoshiyaar banana hain ki gadha banana hain? Poora din kitaab khol kar baithe rehne se Couch Potato banenge sahib! Bacche jara sa shauk poora karne ki koshish karenge to pit jayenge. Do [two] dost kya ghar aa jayenge ek baar, bacchon ki to life hi kharab ho jayegi matlab. Couch Potato Sahib ke jitne chahe utne dost aaye. Unke liye pakode har samay taiyaar. Bin mausam matar ke pakode bhi milenge! 

Lekin bechare bacchon ke 2 dost aa jaaye? 10 rupaye ki maggi ke 2 pack banenge. Us mein se teen [three] bowl maggi niklegi. Sade [rotten] hue steel ke glass mein paani diya jayega. Woh bhi fridge ki us bottle se jisme paani sabse kam thanda ho! And poora time Couch sahib nigahe [eyes] gadaye rakhenge. Kahin bacche kuch galat kaam to nahi kar rahe! Ghar se bahar cricket khelne to nikal jaaye bechare! Phir to padosi ka ladka bhi awara hain! Khud to bade aaye cricket ke shaukin. Bacche do ghanta khelne chale jaaye to zindagi kharab hain unki.

And kyonki khud ki mathematics Masha Allah hain, isliye bechare bacche par zor chalayenge Couch sahib! Kuch mat padho! Din bhar baith kar Maths karo! formula rato. Class 1st se hi table ratwana shuru kar denge. Roz subah savere school jaane se pehle 1-20 tak saare table sunana padega nahi to thappad padega! Bechare ko brush bhi nahi karne denge! Wahan par bhi side mein tables ka chart laga kar rakhenge, taaki brush karte karte tables revise kare! Wah re wah Couch sahib! Ab aapse required run rate nahi calculate hota to bechare bacche kya kare?

Ab Couch sahib ko angrezi [English] commentry samajh mein to aati hain nahi dhang se. Kuch match me shaandaar hota hain to kuch bhi badbad kar dete hain aadhi angrezi mein taaki doston ko lage ki bhai Couch Sahib to accent mein baat karte hain and angrezi ke bade jaankaar hain. Koi unke ladke se pooche na inki sacchai. Khud ko aata nahi hain to ladka kaise mahir ho jaaye angrezi mein? Jaan nikal denge agar angrezi padhte dekh liya to. 

HBO and Z Studio agar channel change karte karte bhi aa gaya to matlab bacche ne paap kar diya. 50-60 gaaliyan and 20-30 chappal na pade tab tak paap nahi dhulega. And novels! Ram! Ram! Agar is shabd ko ghar mein use bhi kar diya na bacchon ne, to bechare ko poore mohalle [locality] mein badnaam kar aayenge. Arre suna hain? Couch sahib ka ladka novel padhta hain! Haw! Matlab novel nahi ho gayi pata nahi kya ho gaya…

Me: (open mouthed) Oh…

Mr. X: (wiping the sweat off his face) Dekha? Ek cricket match ka nateeza? Poora ghar khaandaan kharab kar deta hain!

Me: Accha to bhai, tu hi suggest kar. Kya karna chahiye logon ko?

Mr. X: Cricket chodo! Football match dekho!

Me: (open mouthed) What?

- Parekh, Pravesh

September 23, 2013;

02:18 AM