Couch Sahib

Mr. X: I tell you man! India mein cricket broadcast ban kar dena chahiye!

Me: (open mouthed) What? Kuch bhi bol rahe ho yaar? Pagal ho kya?

Mr. X: (running his hands through his hair) Ekdam! Yahan ek cricket match se poori zindagi ruk jaati hain!

Me: So?

Mr. X: (shaking his head) So? You don’t understand! Tu samajhta nahi hain yaar!

Me: Accha! Okay! Go ahead bhai! Samjha apna logic!

Mr. X:

Haan to sun bhai. Bloody useless jobless people! TV par cricket match aana chahiye bas! Saara kaam chod kar match dekhne baith jaate hain. Koi kaam nahi hain bilkul zindagi mein! Jis din match hota hain, us din ghar aakar TV ke saamne baith jaate hain! Bloody couch potato!

Ghar aate hi sofe par baith jayenge. Uske baad to bas. Ek woh hain aur ek unka TV. TV nahi TB ho gaya ho! Saath hi nahi chodte ek doosre ka. Shreeman [Mr.] Couch Potato. Umra [age] 32 saal. Wajan [weight] 95 kilo! Ghar mein ek woh hain, shreemati-ji and ek ladka hain. And haan, ek 42 inches ka naya Sony TV bhi hain. Who to Couch sahib ko wife and bacchon se bhi jyada pyaara hain.

Me: Bhai, point par aa. Duniya ki bakwaas mat kar! Time nahi hain.

Mr. X: Kyon? Tujhe bhi match dekhne jaana hain kya?

Me: …!

Mr. X:

Accha koi nahi. Chal aage sun. To Couch sahib ghar aate hain and dhadaam! Sofa par baith jaate hain. Bechara sofa! Sahib ke weight ke neeche dab dab kar mara jaa raha hain. But kise chinta? Kise parwah! TV par match jo aa raha hain. Sofa ki seat papad ban gayi hain sahib ke wajan ke neeche but sahib ko kya chinta? Wife garma-garam pyaz ke pakode and chai rakh gayi hain sofa ke saamne. Shreeman lage hue hain match dekhne main and pakode par haath maarne mein. Ek plate khatam hogi to bete ko awaz lagayenge. Bechara saara kaam chod kar Couch sahib ke liye pakode lekar aayega.

Ab itne pakode khayenge to gadbad to hogi hi. Bas phir kya. Jab next day cricket team rest le rahi hogi to Shreeman Couch Sahib bhi day off le rahe honge. Boss ko phone kar ke bolenge, “Sir! Bad stomach!”. Ab bechara boss bhi kya kare? Aisi condition mein Couch sahib ko office mein rakhna bhi uchit [reasonable] nahi hain! Bas! Day off mil gaya. Ek din aur ghar par pade rahenge. And the day after? Next match! Another day off! Phir aa gaye sofa par! And akele nahi hain humare Couch sahib. Khud to velle [jobless] hain hi, aas paas ke saare vellon ko ghar le kar aa jayenge. Kuch 4-5 variety ke Couch Potatos ek saath baith kar match dekhenge!

Bas! Phir kya! Wife bechari poora din kitchen mein pakode and chai banati rahegi! Bechara sofa aur buri tarah marega. And becahare bacche ki padhai to khatam! Real time required run rate calculate karna padhai ho jaayegi uski. Over time nateja [result] kya niklega? Pakode talte talte wife ko back problem ho jayegi. Jab sofa papad ban jayega to naya sofa/seat lagani hogi. Itne pakode khayenge to Couch sahib aur bhi mote hote jayenge. Saare kapde fit nahi aayenge. Naye kapde khareedne jayenge. Readymade fit nahi aayenge. Bechare tailor ke pass jayenge. Poori family budget chaupat [ruin] ho jayega!

Phir nalayak Couch sahib kya karenge? Apne bechare bacche par kasar nikalenge! Bechare ki padhai and extra-curricular se paise bachayenge. Tution nahi jaane denge. School trip par nahi bhejenge. Books nahi khareedenge. Hobbies ko fund nahi karenge. Bacchon ko bhi couch potato bana denge. Usse pehle becharon ko counch bana denge. Unse pair [legs] dabwayenge [massaging of feets]. College jaane ke time par hungama karenge. Mahenge [expensive/pricy] college nahi jaane denge. Khaane peene par rok tok karenge. Pocket money nahi denge. Lekin poora time cricket jaroor dekhenge.

And pata hain kya? Bacche becahre ek do ghanta khelne jayenge to halla machayenge. Darayenge dhamkayenge [frighten and threaten them]. Bolenge padhai karo. Arre bacchon ko hoshiyaar banana hain ki gadha banana hain? Poora din kitaab khol kar baithe rehne se Couch Potato banenge sahib! Bacche jara sa shauk poora karne ki koshish karenge to pit jayenge. Do [two] dost kya ghar aa jayenge ek baar, bacchon ki to life hi kharab ho jayegi matlab. Couch Potato Sahib ke jitne chahe utne dost aaye. Unke liye pakode har samay taiyaar. Bin mausam matar ke pakode bhi milenge! 

Lekin bechare bacchon ke 2 dost aa jaaye? 10 rupaye ki maggi ke 2 pack banenge. Us mein se teen [three] bowl maggi niklegi. Sade [rotten] hue steel ke glass mein paani diya jayega. Woh bhi fridge ki us bottle se jisme paani sabse kam thanda ho! And poora time Couch sahib nigahe [eyes] gadaye rakhenge. Kahin bacche kuch galat kaam to nahi kar rahe! Ghar se bahar cricket khelne to nikal jaaye bechare! Phir to padosi ka ladka bhi awara hain! Khud to bade aaye cricket ke shaukin. Bacche do ghanta khelne chale jaaye to zindagi kharab hain unki.

And kyonki khud ki mathematics Masha Allah hain, isliye bechare bacche par zor chalayenge Couch sahib! Kuch mat padho! Din bhar baith kar Maths karo! formula rato. Class 1st se hi table ratwana shuru kar denge. Roz subah savere school jaane se pehle 1-20 tak saare table sunana padega nahi to thappad padega! Bechare ko brush bhi nahi karne denge! Wahan par bhi side mein tables ka chart laga kar rakhenge, taaki brush karte karte tables revise kare! Wah re wah Couch sahib! Ab aapse required run rate nahi calculate hota to bechare bacche kya kare?

Ab Couch sahib ko angrezi [English] commentry samajh mein to aati hain nahi dhang se. Kuch match me shaandaar hota hain to kuch bhi badbad kar dete hain aadhi angrezi mein taaki doston ko lage ki bhai Couch Sahib to accent mein baat karte hain and angrezi ke bade jaankaar hain. Koi unke ladke se pooche na inki sacchai. Khud ko aata nahi hain to ladka kaise mahir ho jaaye angrezi mein? Jaan nikal denge agar angrezi padhte dekh liya to. 

HBO and Z Studio agar channel change karte karte bhi aa gaya to matlab bacche ne paap kar diya. 50-60 gaaliyan and 20-30 chappal na pade tab tak paap nahi dhulega. And novels! Ram! Ram! Agar is shabd ko ghar mein use bhi kar diya na bacchon ne, to bechare ko poore mohalle [locality] mein badnaam kar aayenge. Arre suna hain? Couch sahib ka ladka novel padhta hain! Haw! Matlab novel nahi ho gayi pata nahi kya ho gaya…

Me: (open mouthed) Oh…

Mr. X: (wiping the sweat off his face) Dekha? Ek cricket match ka nateeza? Poora ghar khaandaan kharab kar deta hain!

Me: Accha to bhai, tu hi suggest kar. Kya karna chahiye logon ko?

Mr. X: Cricket chodo! Football match dekho!

Me: (open mouthed) What?

- Parekh, Pravesh

September 23, 2013;

02:18 AM